


It was only a kiss

by tardisheart134



Category: Supernatural, deancas - Fandom, destiel - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 08:44:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18117329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tardisheart134/pseuds/tardisheart134





	It was only a kiss

“Cas, you are so important to me. I will always make a space for you in my life, but I cannot offer you more than that.”

The words just kept coming back to Castiel. Every time he closed his eyes. In the quiet they echoed off the walls of his mind even louder. It hurt worse the tender way Dean let him down, taking pains to make sure Cas knew he was loved even if it wasn’t in that way, like he was fragile or something. With the tears that came unbidden to the corners of his eyes, Castiel thought maybe Dean was right. He thought that he could go on living with Sam and Dean in the bunker but he was wrong. His heart or what he had of one was broken. He loved Dean. Sure, they had been friends but for Cas, it was more than that, it had always been. Sorrow followed Castiel around like a thundercloud. He was uncertain of everything. He didn’t know how to approach Dean. The last thing he wanted to do was make him uncomfortable. He tried to stay away. He tried but Dean went out of his way to pull him out. Waiting for him by the coffee machine. Insisting on getting his stupid trench coat dry cleaned for him. Every time Dean greeted him with a smile and that warmth in his eyes and Castiel couldn’t help the wave of relief that hit him.

Nothing had changed. Dean was still his. That look in his eye was still there for him. But when Castiel walked away. When he was alone again those words crept back in. Castiel felt deep down that look meant more than friends but maybe that was just a testament to how he would never really be human, if he couldn’t even tell what love was. Whatever was in Dean’s eyes, it wasn’t love, not the kind Castiel was pining after.

With heaviness of heart, Castiel had come to the decision. He had to leave. Maybe not forever. In this world of never ending ends and apocalypses, he was sure to join forces with the Winchester’s again sooner rather than later but for now, he couldn’t stay with them, live with them. He needed some space to clear his head and bury his heart back in the depths of centuries gone by where it belonged, untouched.

Sam was out for the weekend making rounds with some of their contacts, Jodi, Donna and the like.

Castiel packed a small leather satchel. He really didn’t have much in the way of personal belongings: one of Dean’s t-shirts that he’d never given back after a particularly rough fight which had landed Cas on bed rest for a few days, and a book Dean had picked up on bees. He bought it one of the times Cas had died just for sentimental reasons and then gave it to Castiel when he was brought back to life. The mix tape, Castiel hoped it wouldn’t take him long to get over this silly romantic notion and wondered if he would ever be able to hear another Led Zeppelin song without his heart fluttering in his chest.

It wasn’t much. Small tokens and reminders of moments when he was cared for and treated with kindness beyond what he knew he deserved. It was all he had left of the love he thought he knew.

Cas folded his suit coat and tie into the satchel. Lately he couldn’t bear to be so confined by it. He walked into Dean’s room without knocking, it hadn’t even occurred to him. Dean had fallen asleep sitting up with his head leaned back against the head board. Castiel set his bag on the ground and Dean stirred, reflexively reaching for his gun under the pillow before catching sight of Cas in the doorway.

“Cas.” Dean startled but his voice softened around the name in a way that made Castiel’s heart ache. “I got your coat back from the cleaner’s today.” Dean got up to get it from his closet. It was still in the plastic. It looked clean and pressed and all wrong. “You want to watch some Netflix? I’ll make popcorn.” Dean’s overly chipper inflection dropped when he caught sight of the bag in the doorway. “You going somewhere, Cas?” Dean said still staring at the closet.

“Dean, I, uh…I have to…” Castiel’s voice betrayed him. It sounded like it could crumple into a thousand tear drops at any moment.

“No, you don’t Cas, I told you, your place is here with me…and Sam.” Dean turned to face Castiel tossing the coat onto the bed. He took a step or two closer and symmetrically Castiel took two steps backwards.

“It doesn’t have to be forever Dean. This will always be home for me. I just have to get a little space, perspective. I just I can’t bear to be here right now.”

“Cas, come on, you don’t really mean that, just give it a little more time.”

“Dean, I hurt. It hurts too much. I have to…” Castiel felt like he couldn’t breath or get any more words out. He dropped Dean’s gaze. He felt so ashamed. Of course Dean couldn’t reciprocate. Look at Castiel’s vessel. How did he ever fool himself into thinking Dean may share his absurd feelings. He was kicking himself even now just thinking about it.

“Is there anything I can do, Cas, to talk you out of it, anything at all?”

Castiel hated this. He could see the pleading in Dean’s eyes. Dean didn’t make a habit of begging people to stay but he was begging. The old Castiel would have stuffed down his personal pain and just stayed because Dean asked him to but he couldn’t do that this time. It didn’t have to be forever, just until he could remember who he was before he was so completely Dean’s.

Castiel didn’t even answer. His words said everything. Dean took another step closer. This time Castiel did not back up.

“Before, I go Dean. Can I ask you for just one favor?”

“Anything, Cas, you know that.”

“I know what you said, that you can’t offer me anything else besides friendship. I respect that. I know that my vessel, to put it nicely, is not what you would normally find attractive.”

“Cas, it’s not –” Dean tried to protest but he didn’t now how and Cas had put his hands up to stop him anyway.

“I know it wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it would mean everything to me, if I could have just one kiss. I know it’s a lot to ask.”

“Of course.” the words slipped from Dean’s lips before he even gave it a second thought. The fact of the matter is there is nothing he wouldn’t give to Cas, if asked.

“What?” Cas asked unsure that he had heard him right.

“yes, Cas.”

Cas had hoped for this moment and of course, he’d given it thought but now that it was here he felt a little frozen and unsure of how to pursue it.

He took a hesitant step forward.

Dean flinched but held his ground. He took a deep breath in and steadied himself. Castiel put another foot forward until he was in Dean’s personal space. He let his hands come to rest on Dean’s biceps.

“Close your eyes.” Castiel said in a husky, hushed tone. It was barely above a whisper but it was a command just the same. Dean complied and waited.

Castiel leaned in closer pressing his forehead to Dean’s. He lingered there, studying the shape of Dean’s lips. 

Dean could smell his minty-fresh breath and his heart swelled with the thought of Cas popping an Altoid before coming in here to say goodbye. Every part of Dean was shaking with fear which was stupid. Really stupid, when Dean thought about all the hellish and supernatural things he’d faced in his lifetime and all the things that he and Cas had faced and lost together. It was stupid to be this afraid of what Castiel’s beard was going to feel like against his face. It was stupid that he was just now realizing how many times he’d imagined what Castiel’s scruffy beard would feel like and worried if he would like it or not.

Castiel could feel Dean trembling in his arms. He pulled him in by the waist and finally their lips met. It was gentle. 

Dean could feel the tiny pricks of Castiel’s beard against his face in contrast to his soft lips. He let himself sink into Castiel’s embrace. He opened his eyelids to catch a glimpse of Cas and he could see how much he wanted this, how much he needed this. Dean prided himself on being a giving partner. If this is what Castiel wanted he was going to give him a kiss to remember. He jutted his chin out to meet Castiel’s pressing in for a second kiss. He moved him back until he had Castiel pressed against the door jam. Leaning his entire body against Castiel’s, he kissed him until his lips were sore and breathing was heavy. Dean’s face felt the burn of Castiel’s beard and he found himself hungering for more. Dean wanted more. Dean wanted this. He wanted Cas. He wanted him like this. 

Dean took a step back into his room putting some distance between he and Cas which he immediately hated. His head was swimming. He was dying to think of something to say - anything at all.

“Thank you.” Castiel said standing back up straight in the doorway. “Good-bye, Dean.” 

“Cas, your coat.” Dean said turning to get it from the bed. It’s not what he wanted to say. He wanted to say that he’d been stupid, that he needed time to sort this out in his head, that he wanted Cas to stay, but none of that came out.

“You keep it.” and with that, Castiel made his way to the bunker garage.

Dean felt like his feet were glued to the ground. He stood there frozen just holding that stupid trench coat wrapped in plastic. Finally, he convinced his feet to move from where they were plastered and he made it to the garage just in time to see Castiel opening the door of his rickety Lincoln Continental.

“Wait, Cas. Don’t take that. You need something more reliable.” Dean pulled the car cover off of another one the vehicles in the MOL garage. “I just gave this one a tune up last week and an oil change. You should be good for three months or 3,000 miles. You bring it back here for the oil change, okay?” 

Cas nodded. 

“And leave your phone on. And check in with Sam, if you can’t call….” The ‘me’ remained unspoken but it was heard just the same. "And answer if we call…“ 

"Okay, but Dean, I kind of need you not to call. I need time.”

“I know.” Dean’s voice strangled around the words. “Just answer, if I call, okay.”

“I always do. I always will. You know that.” Castiel moved his bag from one car to the other. They were quiet a few moments longer neither of them ready to leave but neither of them knowing what to say. 

“Cas” Dean said clapping him by the shoulder and pulling him in for an embrace. Dean’s chest heaved and he burrowed into the soft part of Castiel’s neck. God help him, despite everything he thought he knew about himself, he wanted to kiss him again. He didn’t want Cas to leave but he couldn’t bring himself to stop him. He needed 5 minutes or maybe 5 years to try to figure this out. Kissing Castiel had felt like that first breath of air after coming up out of the water when you were sure your number was up. He couldn’t remember the first time he wanted to kiss him or how long he’d been keeping this desire buried even from himself. Was he feeling this way just because Cas was leaving? He wasn’t sure of anything anymore, least of all himself. 

Castiel cleared his throat and released Dean. “Thank you…for the car…for everything…” He got in the car.

“Wait, Cas just one sec…” Dean opened the passenger door of the impala rummaging through the glove compartment before producing another cassette tape. "I was working on another one for you. It’s not finished yet but it almost is…“ Dean handed him the tape.

"Thank you…” Castiel said pushing it into the tape deck. 

Dean watched until the car was out of sight the garage door closed. He felt the weight of the whole world on his shoulders. He couldn’t think of anything but getting back to his room, to his bed, to Cas’ coat.

He ripped the plastic off the coat and pulled it into himself. It smelled like detergent and Dean hated himself now for having it washed. He wanted Cas.

**

All sorrows can be born if you put them in a story.

Tell me a story.


End file.
